You know, the several previous posts has often started with "I've been thinking to write/type/babble.." or some sort of apology (even though this blog is more for personal use, like a diary that's not so personal, but still about my self and rant and babbles) or there has been some stuff I wanted to babble about... While that's true in itself, the excitement wears out when I don't actually get myself to open blogger and type in the babbles.
The several things that I wanted to babble about were the dramas I have watched recently. 3 dramas. 2 K-Drama and 1 J-Drama. The two K-Dramas, as I like it to be, were historical drama and female-centric. Not feminine-centric, but female heroine / protagonists. The first I watched was Painter of The Wind and the second was Empress Ki. On the other hand, the J-Drama I watched was Last Friends. Last Friends was quite a psychological / tragic one. I found it when I found Utada Hikaru's Prisoner Of Love and read the description of the video on YouTube. My most liked between the three would have to be Empress Ki and Last Friends as the runner-up. That's not saying that Empress Ki is my favourite of all time, but it has certainly climbed up high in my K-Drama likes list.
The other things I wanted to talk about were school-related stuffs, like the midterms, quizzes, my laziness in studying. I finally got myself to type in blogger on a Wednesday (today!) when my free time is about 3 hours. My free time, in-between classes, is 3 hours on Mondays and Wednesdays and 1 hour on Sundays. That's just in-between classes and I do leave campus ground before 4 most of time and not that early, sans Mondays and Wednesdays which are at 8, classes.
Should I continue? It's 13:19. I have about 20 minutes and then I will head to the copy center to pick up my mom's photocopying request.
I don't know which one I should be babbling about now.
Lol nevermind.
"WHY AM I DOING CHEMISTRY?!" is what I have been thinking for most of the time I attend classes. Like, why chemistry? Why did I ever set my mind on Chemistry? My dear chemistry teacher, why did I choose Chemistry? It's not like I'm specifically in love with Chemistry or anything.
So while I don't like seeing people complain about what they chose when they are already midways to graduation and using their parents' money to pay for the tuition, I myself think that way. What a hypocrite! I was having "dropping out" thoughts yesterday. And it doesn't help that I always tie my hair quite tightly and that gave me headaches.
You know, I would like to try going out of the house, get housed somewhere and live alone for some time. Maybe I should take a gap year next year? I feel suffocated. And that is mostly my own fault. Can't really blame anyone. And that's because I don't really take the initiative to study or even get motivated, and then cooped at home, also mostly because I don't take the initiative to make friends and go out with them on weekends to have fun or something. And then I kinda dislike that my brother keeps on going out every other weekends with his so-called friends. I thought that even if I have friends, I would rather stay home, in my comfort zone. I thought that he was mesmerized with the perspective of a-little-unsheltered world. He's been the kind who'd go along with friends, thinking they were cool or such. I say that he's not keeping his individuality enough and just surrender to the way the current society is. Do I sound like a maniac shut-in?
While I do ramble here and then about my shortcomings, stupidity, lackluster points and all those negative jazz, sometimes I do get offended when it is being spat right to my face. What a hypocrite!
Am I stupid?
What am I doing with my life?
I have said on facebook (yes, I started using it, but just ignoring the pressure of staying active, just doing it in my pace way) that I would like to survive Chemistry, get a job for a few years and then get another undergraduate / bachelor degree. Then get another (or back) job then study something else part time, while studying languages and religion. That's what I wanted to do.
No, what I wanted to do was... get a stable job (as a teacher), save money and buy a house of my own. A house that is similar to my grandma's brother (whichever) house. That house is lovely. I loved it. Just with a slightly more modern style, like neater bathroom, second floor and kitchen.
So, anyway... what was I saying?
What can I do?
This semester hasn't lived up to my expectation- No. I haven't lived this semester to my expectation. My laziness is second to none. My nonexistence motivation is second to none.
What do I do?
So far, the quizzes has been alright. I have missed, on purpose, one Introduction to Probability quiz. The other quizzes has been alright. The biochemistry too, not great, but I understand what's wrong. The one that has gotten me down were the midterms. Two of my chemistry-subject midterms grades were below 50% and one just barely above 50%. I'm sure my Arabic midterm will be fabulous and I've got nothing to worry about that. Just the Chemistry subjects.
I haven't been studying, for Pete's sake! (who is Pete?)
What do I need to do?
I need to study, even if my motivation is non existent. That's what I ought to do. No other way around.
The reason I was able to write this up, and not pushing it back and get the feels wear out, that then will lead to not able to post.... what? Yeah, the reason I was able to write this up is that I got my Probability midterm grade today. It raised my spirit. I'm super happy now. Even if the grade was just luck and I didn't study for it any differently than for the Chemistry subjects, I'm still happy.
Let's hope that tonight I can do two lab reports, study Probability, study biochemistry. I will leave Analytical and Physical Chemistry to next time. Next time being, hopefully, tomorrow.
Should I stop? Like, I have to pick up the copies... Nah, after class. I have a quiz next. Arabic and I'm not worried. Just know that it's basic arabic and I think I'm more than fine in recognizing the spoken words and write it properly.
But I have to stop.
I'll try to babble about the dramas later, and maybe other stuffs too.
Ja.
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